My last post was on 26 September 2007, almost two months ago. It's suppose to be "not good", but actually, it's good in other way. It means that I'm in good mood lately since I always and only write when I'm down, depressed, lonely, angry, jealous and..sad..of course. I always try to be as honest as possible to express myself here, where I can let go my sadness, my "negative" emotion freely. My brother said that if someone can express their "negative" emotion to the fullest he/she can as well express his/her positive emotion, and I think that's true..
Well, now I feel kinda lonely. All of my close friend are away, except my roommate who is always busy with her nail business. I've been thinking a lot about my old friends, who has been friend with me since high school, middle school, or even kindergarten. Friendships being established, friendship being broken ( am I using proper English here..wutever, I'm using my own words here..and besides, this is not English Composition or Grammar and Syntax class..this is not first language either..and yet I just want to express myself with). I made new friends and have relationship with them. I broke some others, which have made me really sad. Just to look at them and try hard to feel the same old way as before. But it will never be the same again. I remember those old memories about us, our high school time, our trips, and many more..and now, it's all disappear just because our own pride and selfishness. I'm aware that none of us is perfect and I can tolerate and accept it, but the thing is that there's also nothing wrong with criticism. As a friend, it is nicer to say it openly, and wisely, rather that keep it and make others feel so uncomfortable. I know that no one in this world wants to be criticized openly or their mistake being told. I'm one of them. I just can't believe on how people value friendship. Is friend is "someone that will be there when the whole world leave you" but when the world remembers you, you're the one that leave your friend? I believe in friendship but also have doubt in it. At least I learn something from this incident: not all your so-called friend are trustworthy. They can be your friend. But not all can be true friend. Down with sweet-wise-words forwarded everyday. It's different in reality. Once again..whatever..
That's not the only one.
I'm jealous now. Honestly, I have a collection of jealousy here. I'm a human. That's natural, and I don't think it's wrong to be frank bout it. It is wrong when it is cultivated and grown and eat you up from inside, rot your flesh and bone. A patient need to tell the doctor openly about the symptoms he feels so the doctor will know the cure, right? I know some of them sound nonsense. Whatever...this is how I feel.
First, I'm jealous that I'm not good looking. I'm not attractive. I'm jealous of them who are good looking and outgoing. I'm not attractive, outgoing, boring and quiet. And I have nothing I'm good at, I'm not smart some more.I don't feel depressed anymore that I don't have boyfriend, and somehow I enjoy it. But the thing is: I rarely invited to some party, gathering or other fun events just because I don't have someone to go with, or because I'm single. It makes me think that I'm insignificant because I'm single, which is actually not true. And I hate it.
I'm just the way I am. I'm unique because, I have nothing I'm good at while other has something. I think that is what I'm good at.Good for nothing.. Sounds insulting to someONE, isn't it.
My other negative feeling is I'm craving for protection. Protection from being hurt, protection from being "touched in the busway". Protection from fear. Or maybe I'm just lack of faith..(tell me something new)..

And here the healing process begin. I'm unique..I know. And I should feel content for the way I am. I haven't achieve something, but I think I will someday. I don't really. My life is not that dramatic, and that's somehow good, less gossip bout me(doesn't mean there's none; for those who gossip bout me, thanks for making me the center of your world...).
For those who read this post..this post is more for me than for you reader. I just thought that may be..may be..this may help you who feel the same way..that you are not alone. There's nothing new under the sun. So if you think that your life is so miserable, I invite you to think about it in different way. Hurt and pain is not always " a test that God let us have to see our faithfulness". Some of it also our own human nature that backfire us..if you can get what I mean..(that's something I'm good at: communicating in my own words which sometimes ununderstandable)it means that it's our own fault, it's our own desire to be miserable when actually our life is not that miserable. Our life is not that bad. But because we cannot reach our own unreachable goal, we envy others and be miserable.
Well..and we come to the end of our post tonight, a very long one..