I watched this Australian movie entitled "Never Say Never" and the phrase kind of stuck in my brain even though I didn't really understand what I meant that time.(Indonesian reader, try to translate the phrase word by word to Indonesian; just doesn't make sense) I came to understand what it meant in sometime in high school but I didn't really think that's applicable because most things that I said never obviously never happened. So I never actually means never.
Lerie listed things that she said never on and it actually happened. I thought about it and listed in my mental note things that I thought would never happened and didn't happen. Why I came to this subject if never actually means never?
When the news that my beloved Papa passed away, I thought to myself that my life would never be the same again. I thought that I had planned my life and I could see myself as something I dreamed about. I wanted to be a scientist, a forensic scientist and I was making my way through it. But while I was sitting there by the casket, I lost my purpose of life and I didn't want die with regret. I did so many things that I'm not proud of and regretting many more. As my siblings somehow drift back to playing their roles in life (at least they have defined profession in life: a pastor, a teacher, a student), my life's really not the same again. What am I now? What's my role now? What makes me, me? I'm Sonya, I'm a...........(I need to fill the blank soon). I've made, or built my identity this far (not very far actually) but now I need to review my identity.
What am I looking for in life? What makes me get up in the morning and still breathing the next day? I believe that my dad was let asleep because he had done his role and fulfilled God's purpose in his life. Why God would let someone suffer living on this sinful earth if His purpose is fulfilled? Living is harder than being death. So by letting someone to rest, God is being kind. To the death. But God's plan is beyond comprehension and how did I get into that? Oh ya, my purpose in life. I lost my purpose in life.
If I money was my motivation, then after I get money, then what? That's it. Use the money for this and that..and what? Buy hand phone, game, dresses, make up, books, watch movie...and the list will never end. If career was my motivation, than after I get my Master's degree, I want PhD, and after that what? Will I be satisfied with that? I don't want to grow old and regret what I did earlier in life. What is the thing that I really want to do that won't make my life pointless? A pointless life is a life spent without doing any good to any other human being.We're social being, remember?
The thing I don't see myself doing is teaching and doing business. And these are the things I MIGHT be doing in a near future. And yeah, never say never.I thought the best thing in life is to do what we want to do. But human can't stop wanting and I'm the kind of person who's hard to satisfy, like most people actually, and I'm easily bored, so I don't like to do the same thing for a very long time. So yeah...I'm lost. I don't know what I want and look for in life. Teaching and doing business are the "never" things for me but doing things we said "never" at are actually the most adventurous things we could have done in life! Of course with the beautiful variation in people, it doesn't apply with everyone. Not everyone is adventurous. Adventurous not always means good either. But some adventurous things are worth trying. And I'm going to give them a try.
